"The Awakening"

I did not write this. I had taken this from the blog of a friend of a friend. He in turn had copied from someone in some sort of group board post. I thought it was amazing and wonderfully written. Its one of those things that I want everyone to read. And so Im putting it anywhere I know people read things. So read it, soak it in, think about, live it, and enjoy.


"The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change ... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there isn't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). You learn that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new-found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love.

How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want ... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.

You learn that your body really is your temple; you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirect-ed or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility -- for yourself, by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself, and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Then, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

acting out love

Im in Grand Haven right now visiting Mel. Ive been and basically will be on my own while Im here. Its not so bad. I came out here looking forward to the time alone in a new place. To go explore, think, meet new people. Ive dont all that now. Ive done alot of thinking. ANd also, reading Blue Like Jazz, which is good so far. Some great lines and points in it as well.

I guess I realized that you cant get rid of your problems by packing up and leaving. They will be there still when you get home. But it does give you time to think. Think rationally. And think things through. Thats what Ive been doing. Thinking about so many things. Coming to ends with some unresolved things. God is starting show me things I didnt see before, or at least that I may not have wanted to see before. I might not all be good, but I need to see it. Its being shown to me for a purpose. I need to take it in.

Alot has to do with love. I know now, you cant truly love anyone until youcan love yourself. You have to love who you are first. Which can explain some things about some people in my life. It breaks my heart to think people really are incapable of being able to love. Instead pushing love away. Or acting it all out. Or thinking they dont deserve it because they cant see they really do deserve it. They cant see their self worth. Doing things to provoke selfe-hate.

"...and could feel the concrete between their heart. He had secrets. She tries to love him, but he knows he doesnt deserve it. He cannot accept her affection because she is loving a man who doesnt exist. He plays a role. He says he is an actor in his own home."

And thus, the love which was never real falls apart. Because it was never real. You cant love someone when that person is an actor. You never know the real person, and thus you are loving someone who isnt real, making that love unreal as well.

Which, in turn, depresses me a bit. When you think you have love and then later realize such things as I now have, it makes you a little sad. But it gives hope to. Hope that love could be closer than you think....

more to come at a later date.

"

Myspace is a funny things. At least to me. Goverment, Religion and Myspace are the 3 things in this world that can and will start wars, lol.

But no...its just funny because some people can get so offended by a top 8 or something. Not that I do at all..whatever. Its just one big thing. Another thing, I guess, is friendship status. Because lets face it...you have all your good friends on there. Its like..a way to know about their l ives, say hi, email easier. So when you get totally deleted from their friends list, its a pretty good sign that friendship just died. Hey..sometimes its just easier to take the hint than actually face someone I guess.

Maybe thats because its the lame way out. What Im getting at here is this: I noticed I had one less friend today when I logged in, so I took a look. The missing person happened to be Justin. At first I was like....wow, lame. Then I kinda laughed. I guess we are offically done..like..for good..not even an aquaintanceship anymore. He took the lame way out there. He never could straight up tell me what was the problem. I hated that so much. I had been making efforts to call him and try to hang out..not many times..but you know...a few times in the past 3 weeks. Since he said he really missed hanging out with me and we really should hang ot outside or karaoke again. I then sent him a message the other night. I tried calling him. And I said "well..Ive tried calling you a few times. Phones work two ways. Theres my effort...I guess you never will put forth yours. Some things dont change. So I guess we arent hanging out? Hey, your call. But I ive up on you."

I guess that ticked himoff and he decided that was that. In a way...Im glad. I was asking God for it. I wanted to know if there was any purpose to even trying to stay in contact with Justin. And if not, then I just wanted to be done with him for good. I wanted a quick and painless ending. And I guess I got it. And thus, God has showed me Justin was brought into my life to teach me many a thing, and once I finally got it all, got everything I was meant to learn, he didnt need to be in myl ife anymore. Because after a while, all he did was bring me down, and God knew that was enough, and I think He saw that in fact, it all finally clicked, and answered me. So Justin is no longer in the picture. It doesnt mean I still wont think of him time and again. Or possibly still see him at karaoke. I dont plan on saying a thing to him. As if we didnt know eachother. Thats how it will be. And Im finally ok with that. I had a short freak out the other night over him. I missed him terribly and felt like runing back to him if you will. And I had a talk with God and He showed me thats not what needs to be done. Not to mention...we will both be at the wedding soon. Id like to say a thing or two to him still. But really what would be the point of it? We are already through with eachother. Its weird to think that basically we just..dont know eachother anymore. At one point, we were best friends, and could never see that being otherwise. But boy time changes things. Through seeing other people with the same problems, through having many a talks with Josh and him helping me see so many things i never saw, or wanted to see before, and through God..I think I can finally close the Justin chapter in my life. It might stay open just a bit longer. For discussion. Or I might just take a peek at or after the wedding. Then Im done. I dont need someone in my life who brings me down. Forget that.

He wasnt the one for me. He wasnt even a good friend. I knew from the first day we meet...which happened to be at Element...I knew from the first words spoken that God brought him in my life for a reason. For so long..before things started getting rocky..I thought he was suppose to be someone I was suppose to be with. In every way. Two weeks before we meet, I just prayed to God to bring a guy in my life that was this and that and had this quality, and even liked the rain, ha. Then two weeks later I met Justin, at youth group for God. I always thought that meant something more than it might have. That brings me to a quote in Mels blog it basically says, you need to ask the right questions to find the real answers you seek. And I guess I wasnt asking God what I really wanted, what I still really want. A good guy that I can be with, either the one Im suppose to marry, or someone who will impact my life positivly and not bring me down in the end. And I recently thought God again answered me. And he did..but he only answered part of that last request/prayer. Proving once again, you get what you ask for, usally nothing more or less. He hears you and will answer you if its worthy. Maybe even sometimes when its not just to say, Hey, Im God and I can make it happen even though in the end it wont be what you want. THrough that He teaches me. And I praise Him for that.

Other than that...I dont have much more to say. Im just trying to keep busy....slept almost the whole day so far. No one to hang with. And Im super bored. Just felt like updating after readin g the quote in Mels blog.

thanks Mel..for that. It made me think as well

Im sick of things right now. I just want to leave. I wish I had money. And Gas...Id go away for a while. Who cares if I lost my job....shoot..just say Im gonna be outta town for like 2 weeks on vacation. And be gone for two weeks. And not talk to anyone while Im gone. Except maybe my mom like...once or twice a week. Shut the phone off otherwise. Screw it. And of course talkto who Id be staying with. Which would probably be Melissa. And go to the beach every day and watch the sun set, take up wake-boarding, go out at night on the town, and of course...meet a bunch of new people. And just have a fresh start on life.

Ironically enough Mel just called to talk about the seriousness of all this. And Im actually going up there to look into school, jobs, and apartments the end of this month.

and i feel slightly better. and now..I need no more time here.


and end.

I want to quite life for a litte bit

I feel like running away from the world right now. Its about that time though, for a span of depression. Its been over due anyway. Yeah...just when things in my life seem awesome...smiling and laughing more, people saying how much happier I seem. I start to feel like things are actually ok in my life. And then...what happens..well...everyhting just kinda goes down the crapper. And throws me into one of my ridiculous bouts of depression.
Oh but Im fighting this one. Or Im trying. Its not going so well. Because so far this week..I havent really done anything to have fun. Or hung out with anyone either. I mean, karaoke this week was a friggen blast. I needed that. But it was a few hours. Then right back to this being stuck at home being lame thing. And I hate it. And I keep seeming to find things that just upset me or tick me off more. I should just sleep till this is over. Wake up..if I feel crappy...just go back to sleep. If I work..then fine...I will come home and just go right back to sleep.

So tonight...was looking to have a nice night out to the movies with a few friends I havent hung with much lately. Going to see Pirates of the Carribian 2 at midnight. But of course...I have some awesome friends *sarcasim, ahem*. So they went and got tickets without me. Which..I said, fine I will just go now and get mine. So I go..I get mine. And call them to say I got it. They said theater 2. Well..my ticket said theater 1. And they couldnt change it because 2 was sold out. And wont refund it because..they are just gay. So now Im stuck with this ticket to the midnight premier of one of my fav movie sequels...and I have no one to go with. I mean not a soul. People got to get up early, dont want to, have plans to see it other nights with other people. So I guess Im going to be major LAME and go see it alone.

Im ticked off. I hate when people do this to me. It happens to often. And I just take it because I dont have the heart to say something or object or point out the crappiness of the situation to anyone thats invovled. So instead I go and see movie premiers alone.

I want to run away from life for a while. Things were good. I got close to an amazing group of people, in turn made new best friends. I finally get over Justin for real because an amazing guy came into the picture and just blew Justin right the heck out of my mind. Getting good hours at my job making decent money for once..able to keep up on my bills for the first time in a while. Feeling pretty darn good and happy as heck.

And then. My mom decides to come home. So back to the nonsense of this house. Which automatically brings tons of stress, fights, arguing. Making me never want to be home. Making me want to close parts of myself off to other people again. But no, because I have things going for me and some awesome friends to help me out. Hours start getting cut from work. Might be looking at getting fired or something. Went from 40+ hours a week to at the least, one day a week, maybe two. More parent/house issues arise each day it seems. One of my best friends moves 3 hours away. Most of my other friends just arent the same and just kinda suck now. Amazing guy happens to be great friend- always was bad timing and circumstances. Finally seems like...well...maybe who knows. Amazing guy kinda meets gorgeous girl...not a chance in hell for me anymore. And I mean that. He thinks of her 'where have you been all my life." Funny, I think the same of him. Too bad for me. And some more sucky friends, sucky days, plans getting screwed, no plans at all. Justin happens to waltz back into the picture. Acting like thigns are cool with us. Me trying to blow him off, doing good at it, but still upset, confused, mad, happy to see him mix of thigns goin on.

I dont get it. This is a vicious pattern. Its like...build it up..and then...break it down. Over and over. Good things never stay good. Eventually anything good will fade or fall apart. Things are buitl up to a peak, some longer than others, and once the peak is reached, that goodness fades or falls apart. And youre down. Until more thigns start to look good. But then...we start the cycle again. Thats life I think. Or mine.

I currently would like to do the following things:
scream, go boxing, see this movie with someone, get a hold of any of my friends that are cool so Ic an talk, tell off Justin for good, share some 'thoughts' with an old best friend, tell an amazing boy hes amazing and use his own line of 'where have you been all my life' on him, drive somewhere far with loud music to relax maybe, pack my things and leave, quite life for a little bit, and definetly somewhere in that mix, get some food because Im straving. OH...and maybe have people call me back so I can figure out if Im eating alone too or not.

Well God...this is your call. I dont get it. I dont understand this cycle Im in. I dont understand why it seems You put good things in my life and then take them away in some form or another. I learn alot from it most of the time. But I dont understand the hurt that I have to go through to get the lessons. Why cant it be taught through something good that will last? Maybe Im not meant to know. Only You know that. I just pray You will somehow help me understand all this right now. Because my heart is hurting and my head is confused and I dont know what it is Im suppose to do.

Over one, stuck on another.

Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into certain situations. I wonder why God gives me such desires for things I know Im never going to have. Maybe its to learn and to grow. Maybe its to test the waters. I know now the whole Justin senario was an amazing learning expeirience in the end. A very long, painful glorious lesson. Ive learned things from him that I now apply to other people. So I dont mess things up again. So I know what to do the next time, and maybe get it right.

Its funny thinking about Justin now. I was talking to Phoebe today about him. How he was over Friday, and I barely said more than5 words to him. I felt bad in a way. But at the same time, I didnt care. I had such a mix of emotions. It seems every time I would get to the next phase of basically letting him go, he just shows up. Like he reads my mind and has to pop back into my life to throw me off and try to keep me around for whatever reason. Im not having it this time. I was hurt and angry yet happy to see him the other night. He gave me a hug and all I could do was sit there. And the first thing I say to him: "What are you doing here." And I meant it. Why did he come anyways...what was the point of it? Whats he trying to do this time is what I thought. And I wanted to say 'What do you think youre doing just showing up here, pretending things are ok between us? Youve got a lot of nerve. How can you just...do that to me?" But I didnt. I wanted to talk to him, I did. But I honestly didnt know what to say. It had been a while, and it just felt so akward. And I know that if we started to talk, I know it would end as a fight of some sort. Because at some point I would have asked him how he does it, just thinks everything is fine. I would have gone on some rampage about him. And we would have fought. And I didnt want that. I done with that. Ive wasted so so sooo much time with that. I deserve better, I know this now. Its not that I dont want to still be friends kind of. Its hard though. I dont know who he is anymore, and Im not who he recalls anymore. Times change and thoughts rearrange. We messed up..maybe it was for the better, maybe thats what was suppose to happen all along. But Im sick of fighting for someone who never put in the effort to even think of fighting for me. I fought for him as a friend and more than a friend...and all he ever did was run away without looking back to see me standing and waiting. And if he ever did...well..lets just say he never turned around and came back.

I thought it would be the hardest thing getting over him. I guess its true in a way...when youve had enough and you just stop looking and caring..someone comes along and just blows you away. And then, it was easy to see so many things I was blind to before when it came to Justin. I met a guy who made me see that..and made me see theres more than Justin out there. And of course..the catch of the matter...I have feelings. Once again..in a sticky situation...having feeligns for a good friend. Why? Why does it seem to go that way? I cant help it. I tried...I told myself...do not do this again. I fought back those feelings with everything I had. But I guess not hard enough..because, oh yeah, there are there and kickin strong. But, Im using what Ive learned in the past this time. Things are diffrent. Hes diffrent. If its meant to happen it will. Though I dont think it will. Not saying that Im not good enough...but hes just too great..too good to be be true sorts. Besides...hes got this major thing for a gorgeous super nice girl, who in return is interested in him. Ive got no shot in heck there. I cant compare to that. Im just me...the friend. Not the gorgeous girl, just...Kat. Maybe if it wasnt mutal. But it is. And odd..but true..Im glad. He really finds her amazing. I can tell. And good for him. And she seems quited attracted. Why shouldnt she though. I mean...look at the kid. Ive never been so blown away by smoeone before. Everything about him is just amazing. From his laugh to his mind, from his humor to his heart. One of those everything you want and cant have types. An instant heartbreaker if there ever was one. Because lets face it..iti was over before it ever began. But Ive learned to ptu friendship way ahead of feelings at least...otherwise, in the past...at this point...I could be doing and saying something that at this point in time could mess up a great friendship and I could be jealous and very negative about this. Im not any of those though. Im not going to say anything or make a move. Theres no point. And theres nothing to go on that would give me a slight hint of a green light in the moves department. Im not jealous that he likes a gorgeous girl in stead of me. Im happy. He desrves that. He deserves to be happy. Im glad hes found someone else hes intersted in. And if he needs advice on how to win her over, you better bet I will be giving it out. Because like I said..if that would make him happy, and I can tell it would...then I would never hesitate to stop that or be negative about it any way. Because a guy like that deserves a girl like that and deserves to be happy. Yeah, it sucks that Ive definetly lost my shot if I ever had one to begin with. But hes a great friend. Hes one of my best friends now. I finally have someone I can talk to again. Hes usually one of, if not, the first person I call to talk to about anything. I had lost both of my best friends, and my confidants. I had lost trust in many people and didnt have that anymore. And maybe thats the reason God said..hey..you two will talk and you will become good friends. Maybe because, at the time..we really needed eachother. And it seems we did...because we were both going through a similar situation..and both realy helped eachother out. So maybe thats it. And we were meant to be good friends after that...and thats simply it. And if that is it..then Im happy and content to be friends with such an amazing person. I would have given anything to be close with someone and have a friend to trust and talk to again. And now I do. And I wouldnt want to lose that again. So I will sit back and leave it in Gods hands. Theres nothing else I can do. I can wish and daydream and wonder. But none of that will change feelings...either way here.

I just hope I meet someone like him. Because like I said before..Ive never been so wowed by a guy before. And I hope someone one day will come along and wow me again.