acting out love

Im in Grand Haven right now visiting Mel. Ive been and basically will be on my own while Im here. Its not so bad. I came out here looking forward to the time alone in a new place. To go explore, think, meet new people. Ive dont all that now. Ive done alot of thinking. ANd also, reading Blue Like Jazz, which is good so far. Some great lines and points in it as well.

I guess I realized that you cant get rid of your problems by packing up and leaving. They will be there still when you get home. But it does give you time to think. Think rationally. And think things through. Thats what Ive been doing. Thinking about so many things. Coming to ends with some unresolved things. God is starting show me things I didnt see before, or at least that I may not have wanted to see before. I might not all be good, but I need to see it. Its being shown to me for a purpose. I need to take it in.

Alot has to do with love. I know now, you cant truly love anyone until youcan love yourself. You have to love who you are first. Which can explain some things about some people in my life. It breaks my heart to think people really are incapable of being able to love. Instead pushing love away. Or acting it all out. Or thinking they dont deserve it because they cant see they really do deserve it. They cant see their self worth. Doing things to provoke selfe-hate.

"...and could feel the concrete between their heart. He had secrets. She tries to love him, but he knows he doesnt deserve it. He cannot accept her affection because she is loving a man who doesnt exist. He plays a role. He says he is an actor in his own home."

And thus, the love which was never real falls apart. Because it was never real. You cant love someone when that person is an actor. You never know the real person, and thus you are loving someone who isnt real, making that love unreal as well.

Which, in turn, depresses me a bit. When you think you have love and then later realize such things as I now have, it makes you a little sad. But it gives hope to. Hope that love could be closer than you think....

more to come at a later date.

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