I Just Want To Have Fun!!

I need new friends. Seriously. Friends that arent 50 at heart.

Im 20 years old. All of my friends (the few I have, and the few aquaintances even) are in their 20's, or not yet even 20, and I love them, but my goodness its unbelievable how old they act! I cant stand it half the time. I hate feeling like Im an old woman. Im 20...I should be out having fun for the love of God. It seems that doesnt ever happen anymore. I cant think of the last time Ive had a really good time around here. It gets under my skin. Im an active person. I cannot be content coasting through my life on my couch watching movies forever! I cannot do that.

I understand money issues...but seriously...$4 for bowling is not a big deal. Even once in a while. You think I have money to spend? No...but I do because life needs a little excitment once in a while, or often as possible I think. My life is dull. I crave some sort of adventure. I thinking Im going to go nuts one day very soon. Seriously. All I ever do is watch movies. Or I sit at home and be bored. or go sit at someone elses house and be bored or watch movies or both! Way to put things in a new enviorment, ha.

I want to go out and actually do stuff. Going out and doing something nowadays is going out to eat at a restraunt. Or maybe going to the mall to walk around aimlessly for the 10th time in a week. I want to go out dancing. I want to go to clubs. I want to go bowling, play put put golf, ride go-karts, go to festivals or carnivals, go to local events, and even not so local events. I need friends who can share that with me. I need people who dont question gas or time or even a motive for wanting to go to a mall not local. Who cares! Go to a mall thats a little more far away, throw some variety into life! I want to go to Canada and maybe have a drink, one drink, and go to the casino, and not feel like one of my best friends will think less of me for it because he believes both drinking and gambling are sins. I want spontaneous friends who dont questions every aspect of what ideas are thrown out, they just say ok and hope in and hold on. I like going to walk in the park, play at the park even. Roll down a grassy hill, get my face painted, go to pumpkin patches, dress up for halloween, or go try on goofy halloween costumes. I seem alone in all of that, and it seems if someone accompanies me on on of my brilliant ideas to kill time and maybe have fun, they act like they are drug along and just refuse to get into it. For fear or looking stupid or feeling stupid, or because their inner child really is dead.

I dont even know what to do with two of my best friends anymore. Yeah, we can have fun being idiots. But they act so old. Or think things I think would be fun are sins. Or just stupid. I never hear them coming up with ideas!!! Why does it always have to be me. Like tonight..I was quiet...because I was brewing on this stuff, and off Josh's comments to me. Ok...I have more guys friends for sure. I dont have a problem 'hanging with the boys.' But you know, once in a while it would be nice if they treated me and talked to me as me. Im a girl dammit. I dont always find farts and poop amusing. I dont like hearing about stupid sports all the time, I dont care about what wrestler is gonna fight the other or is in a commercial. I have a name that seems to have been lost somewhere as well. Sure, I go along with the whole "Decker" thing, its funny usually. But sometimes it would be nice to hear Kat or Katrina. Moreso than Decker. Decker should be used in rareity as my real name seems to be. Have they forgotten Im a girl? I guess so. Because even in serious times I dont seem to have a real name. It gets to me sometimes. Their joking ways get to me sometimes. Sometimes they say things and I swallow it down, but it doesnt settle right. And Im not going to say anything because then I will just 'be over-reacting' or be a bitch or jerk. Or something has gotten into me. Like tonight...I refused to be a part of any planning. Why should I always have to suggest things. They never want to do anything I ever say because its stupid, involves moving, or cost 'way too much money'. So why bother wasting my precious breath!?! So instead they have to poke fun at me by mocking my mood or apperantly talking like they are super depressed, even though I was not at all. So then really tick me off, smart move. But guys are stupid. I try to look past that. As caroll had said once...sometimes you have to look past, you almost have to. Its just part of who they are.

So true. I need more female friends. To go shopping with, or to talk about boys with. I have no problem talking to Josh or even Jon usually about guys. But you know, sometimes they dont get it. And not that I always like shopping with people. Ive grown fond of shopping alone. I can take my time and dont have to hear anyone bitch about how long it takes me to try on 2 pairs of jeans. Sorry if I really have to be sure if I like something before I buy it. Thats why I have few girl friends. Girls, lets face it. We are stubborn, jealous, bitchy creatures. Its true...Im not denying that. Ecspecially when around other girls it seems to bring it out more. I avoid that if I can.

I feel like my life is just wasting away movie after movie. By the time Im 24 I should have seen every movie ever made, or just about. This sucks. It makes me realize why sometimes I still really miss Justin. Not because of him, but because when he wasnt an idiot, he was fun. He was always up for anything, anytime. And I loved that. And miss it so much. Anna too. But Justin thinks hes too cool for school and well, anna is pregnant and married. And I dont have, or never really had anyone else in my life that was ready for anything anytime anywhere. And it sucks.

It makes me want to leave again. I want out of here. I want to move back to Vegas. I want to be in the city that never sleeps. I want to always have 10 or more options for every hour of the day and night. I want to hang with my few friends who will be spontaneous. And go walk to Strip at 2am. Gosh, I miss being young. And Im 20 saying that. But for real. Something has to change soon. I need to meet new people. Because Im going to lose it soon. Im going to end up telling this rant to a few people one day when I burst, and it might hurt some people, it might even make less of friends with people. I dont want that.

I Just Want To Have Fun!!