Weak points

So I havent had the need to really write one of these as of late. But now is as good a time as any.

I think Im pushing people away. Lets start with the going ons of how and why.

Life has been messy. Some things have been going on the throw a wrench in the gears if you will. I feel as though no aspect of my life is private. Except for what Im keeping locked in my head. And maybe thats not the best idea, but its the only way I can have a spare private thought or emotion. I feel like tables are turning and my side of the story of things is not accountable. People outside looking in only see one room, but cant see the rest of the house, nor does that seem important. I also feel as though many a secret has been arising. Although half the time its of things I already know. I know more than anyone thinks. I choice to play it off. Part of that whole longing for privacy. I think people have been getting false ideas of me. And in turn Ive taken the last 3 days to my couch, watching tv, wanting to go out with people but finding it hard to feel lively. Ive been trying to do some self-reconstruction and evaluations. Changing things good and bad.

I finally came back to a point of peace. I finally had people to turn to. I finally had someone to confide in again. And it didnt last long. Im sort of losing touch with people, even though I see them all the time. Im finding it hard to talk to or trust people right now. I hope no one would take offence to that. But I hear so many stories. Some of which I cant help but laugh at. Some which cut deeper than expected. I dont expect anyone to understand my life. No matter how much explainging or first hand expierience. No one will ever know what its like unless they were me. Ive felt like crap the past few days. I feel like I get those looks from my friends, the look of examanation. Like they dont really know who they see. And so with all of this, I feel like im alienated. And now ive started pushing people away. I dont know who to talk to anymore because I feel like judgement is being passed. Ive found it hard to even talk to my best friend, and in turn, now feel like hes starting to look at me diffrently. But I dont know how to make him understand. I dont know how to let him understand without looking vulnerable, and without pushing him away. I sort of feel like the only person I had left is starting to step away from me. When really I think its me stepping away. Because Ive gotten extremly close and comfortable with someone. And then certain aspects of my life are revealed. And I feel like it changes things. And Im afraid to lose someone Im so close with, so why not push them away before then can do the pushing. How on earth does that make sense? I have so much built up right now. And I tried to talk about it...but I didnt know what to say, and I think I came off kind of pushy or something. I also dont know how to say much of this outloud without breaking down.

this also brings me to another irrelevant aspect of things. Darn Psychology classes.
Family life should be private unless revealed in time if you want it to be. In my case, it seems the world knows more than me sometimes, ormore than Id like people to know. And Im always afraid to let people know things because Im afarid they will think of me diffrent, lower if you will. As I know aplly this to guys. I feel like I could never have a guy love me because of this. Because it comes to a point of knowing more than one should. I feel like once the family issues pour out, whatever was thought of me before has changed. I just have trouble seeing any guy wanting to deal with that. Mainly because its truth in a way so far.

What am I even saying? Im thinking too much. Im sort of feeling way down. Its just one of those things I think when I need to just cry, sob even, on someones shoulder. But Im not feeling like anyones shoulder is free.

this is not true. I know this. But I cant figure it out. This will pass. I just need a night of good fun. Or two. I know in a way this is God showing me something bigger that I need to see or do. Im having trouble with it. I just dont want to lose my friends over things that are mostly out of my control.