Over one, stuck on another.

Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into certain situations. I wonder why God gives me such desires for things I know Im never going to have. Maybe its to learn and to grow. Maybe its to test the waters. I know now the whole Justin senario was an amazing learning expeirience in the end. A very long, painful glorious lesson. Ive learned things from him that I now apply to other people. So I dont mess things up again. So I know what to do the next time, and maybe get it right.

Its funny thinking about Justin now. I was talking to Phoebe today about him. How he was over Friday, and I barely said more than5 words to him. I felt bad in a way. But at the same time, I didnt care. I had such a mix of emotions. It seems every time I would get to the next phase of basically letting him go, he just shows up. Like he reads my mind and has to pop back into my life to throw me off and try to keep me around for whatever reason. Im not having it this time. I was hurt and angry yet happy to see him the other night. He gave me a hug and all I could do was sit there. And the first thing I say to him: "What are you doing here." And I meant it. Why did he come anyways...what was the point of it? Whats he trying to do this time is what I thought. And I wanted to say 'What do you think youre doing just showing up here, pretending things are ok between us? Youve got a lot of nerve. How can you just...do that to me?" But I didnt. I wanted to talk to him, I did. But I honestly didnt know what to say. It had been a while, and it just felt so akward. And I know that if we started to talk, I know it would end as a fight of some sort. Because at some point I would have asked him how he does it, just thinks everything is fine. I would have gone on some rampage about him. And we would have fought. And I didnt want that. I done with that. Ive wasted so so sooo much time with that. I deserve better, I know this now. Its not that I dont want to still be friends kind of. Its hard though. I dont know who he is anymore, and Im not who he recalls anymore. Times change and thoughts rearrange. We messed up..maybe it was for the better, maybe thats what was suppose to happen all along. But Im sick of fighting for someone who never put in the effort to even think of fighting for me. I fought for him as a friend and more than a friend...and all he ever did was run away without looking back to see me standing and waiting. And if he ever did...well..lets just say he never turned around and came back.

I thought it would be the hardest thing getting over him. I guess its true in a way...when youve had enough and you just stop looking and caring..someone comes along and just blows you away. And then, it was easy to see so many things I was blind to before when it came to Justin. I met a guy who made me see that..and made me see theres more than Justin out there. And of course..the catch of the matter...I have feelings. Once again..in a sticky situation...having feeligns for a good friend. Why? Why does it seem to go that way? I cant help it. I tried...I told myself...do not do this again. I fought back those feelings with everything I had. But I guess not hard enough..because, oh yeah, there are there and kickin strong. But, Im using what Ive learned in the past this time. Things are diffrent. Hes diffrent. If its meant to happen it will. Though I dont think it will. Not saying that Im not good enough...but hes just too great..too good to be be true sorts. Besides...hes got this major thing for a gorgeous super nice girl, who in return is interested in him. Ive got no shot in heck there. I cant compare to that. Im just me...the friend. Not the gorgeous girl, just...Kat. Maybe if it wasnt mutal. But it is. And odd..but true..Im glad. He really finds her amazing. I can tell. And good for him. And she seems quited attracted. Why shouldnt she though. I mean...look at the kid. Ive never been so blown away by smoeone before. Everything about him is just amazing. From his laugh to his mind, from his humor to his heart. One of those everything you want and cant have types. An instant heartbreaker if there ever was one. Because lets face it..iti was over before it ever began. But Ive learned to ptu friendship way ahead of feelings at least...otherwise, in the past...at this point...I could be doing and saying something that at this point in time could mess up a great friendship and I could be jealous and very negative about this. Im not any of those though. Im not going to say anything or make a move. Theres no point. And theres nothing to go on that would give me a slight hint of a green light in the moves department. Im not jealous that he likes a gorgeous girl in stead of me. Im happy. He desrves that. He deserves to be happy. Im glad hes found someone else hes intersted in. And if he needs advice on how to win her over, you better bet I will be giving it out. Because like I said..if that would make him happy, and I can tell it would...then I would never hesitate to stop that or be negative about it any way. Because a guy like that deserves a girl like that and deserves to be happy. Yeah, it sucks that Ive definetly lost my shot if I ever had one to begin with. But hes a great friend. Hes one of my best friends now. I finally have someone I can talk to again. Hes usually one of, if not, the first person I call to talk to about anything. I had lost both of my best friends, and my confidants. I had lost trust in many people and didnt have that anymore. And maybe thats the reason God said..hey..you two will talk and you will become good friends. Maybe because, at the time..we really needed eachother. And it seems we did...because we were both going through a similar situation..and both realy helped eachother out. So maybe thats it. And we were meant to be good friends after that...and thats simply it. And if that is it..then Im happy and content to be friends with such an amazing person. I would have given anything to be close with someone and have a friend to trust and talk to again. And now I do. And I wouldnt want to lose that again. So I will sit back and leave it in Gods hands. Theres nothing else I can do. I can wish and daydream and wonder. But none of that will change feelings...either way here.

I just hope I meet someone like him. Because like I said before..Ive never been so wowed by a guy before. And I hope someone one day will come along and wow me again.