Marching to His Own Beat

So...drove by a bit ago. He was working on his crotch rocket motor bike in his front yard. He had his hair (long hair) in pigtails..braided, and was wearing a Burger King Crown on his head.

As I drove back by on my way home, he was on his porch. Same hair, same crown, but now he was waving around a small American Flag. You know, like the ones they hand out at parades. And he was marching, in place.

I forgot to mention he had a giant tube of fireworks propping open his front door not long ago. I can only imagine what he will be doing on Memorial Day!

Updates!

Well it has been a while hasn't it? Sorry...life has been busy! But do not fear...I come with a few new updates and stories. Not many though. You see..the road I go to to pass CM is under some construction, and so I have to go the opposite way..I do not get to see him too often now.

So..lets begin! Lets start with the hair! His hair is back! Just a day or so after my last post..Driving by and I am telling my fiance about his hair..as I go to point his new 'do out, I was shocked to see his hair had grown back in a matter of a few days!! This now poses the question..does he wear a wig? Or is there another CM!! either way.. way to weird.

About two weeks ago, he had a buddy or neighbor person over, and they were in his front yard talking. I'm pretty sure he had a sheet tied around his head. Yes, that's right, a sheet. It was tied like a bandanna, was white, and hung all the way down to the ground on each side.

Last week the fiance decided it would be OK to take a walk, and walk past his house since he was outside tooling around and what not. So we walked by on the opposite side of the street and as we pass he was shouting...something. Just random blobs of speech I do think.

My not postcard to Postsecret

I think this has grown into something bigger.

---------------------------------------------------------

In the time I layed my finger on the dash button, I said it.

There.

Thats all.

You dont know it.

Even if its something worth being said...
one day.

Just not to you.

Life at the Calendar Kiosk

Things I dislike About Working at a Calendar Kiosk:

-When people ask for a certain thing you dont know of (ex:an artist) and then they look at you like you have two heads.
-Repetative loud TV add
-Screaming brats
- People who pull calendars out and leave them all over
-storage room
-Standing/Stool
-Getting stuck alone long periods of time with no break
-Duh! kind of customers
-cranky old people
- People that wont let me explain things
- Having to hold in "nature"
-"How much is this?" when there is a uge Sale sticker on the front
-Falling hazards
-Must wear kahkis or dress pants
-"Hiw how are you today?" response: blank stare.
- We are not the Information Booth. Thanks.

Things to to When Bored at the Kiosk
-copy Suduko charts off box calendars
- Read/play Fact or Crap
-Count Mullets
-Make chinese finger traps out of pkatic penny roll wrappers
-Talk to T-Mobile peeps
-make oragami out of post-it notes (with the help of the oragami box calendars)
-Paper Airplanes (with the help of airplanes making calendar box)
-Fling rubber bands at friends
-Coin toss at the fountain

My Star

A million stars in the sky to wish on, and you still run out by nights end.

Always one star that shines brighter than the rest. Your eyes wander back to it constantly. Its brillant and bright and you wish upon it only. Only wish. just wish. Its seemingly perfect.

Now the other stars begin to fade in the glow of the star that has you mezmorized.

But dont let the rest of the night sky fade. Be content with what is. Be calmed knowing it will always be there. Be happy to have a star so amazing in your sky.

Whats got you so captivated?

This one is diffrent. This one is genuine. This one is better than you ever could have imagined.




Theres a time for everything.

secret?

I think I have a secret thats not so secret because Im not sure if what I think is secret is really real or not, but would be a secret in some aspect but not all because the deep roots of it would be unknown, yet the surface or what lead to it isnt.

If I do in fact figure out for sure, then what might be a secret will be a secret indeed.

I dont like this.

Weak points

So I havent had the need to really write one of these as of late. But now is as good a time as any.

I think Im pushing people away. Lets start with the going ons of how and why.

Life has been messy. Some things have been going on the throw a wrench in the gears if you will. I feel as though no aspect of my life is private. Except for what Im keeping locked in my head. And maybe thats not the best idea, but its the only way I can have a spare private thought or emotion. I feel like tables are turning and my side of the story of things is not accountable. People outside looking in only see one room, but cant see the rest of the house, nor does that seem important. I also feel as though many a secret has been arising. Although half the time its of things I already know. I know more than anyone thinks. I choice to play it off. Part of that whole longing for privacy. I think people have been getting false ideas of me. And in turn Ive taken the last 3 days to my couch, watching tv, wanting to go out with people but finding it hard to feel lively. Ive been trying to do some self-reconstruction and evaluations. Changing things good and bad.

I finally came back to a point of peace. I finally had people to turn to. I finally had someone to confide in again. And it didnt last long. Im sort of losing touch with people, even though I see them all the time. Im finding it hard to talk to or trust people right now. I hope no one would take offence to that. But I hear so many stories. Some of which I cant help but laugh at. Some which cut deeper than expected. I dont expect anyone to understand my life. No matter how much explainging or first hand expierience. No one will ever know what its like unless they were me. Ive felt like crap the past few days. I feel like I get those looks from my friends, the look of examanation. Like they dont really know who they see. And so with all of this, I feel like im alienated. And now ive started pushing people away. I dont know who to talk to anymore because I feel like judgement is being passed. Ive found it hard to even talk to my best friend, and in turn, now feel like hes starting to look at me diffrently. But I dont know how to make him understand. I dont know how to let him understand without looking vulnerable, and without pushing him away. I sort of feel like the only person I had left is starting to step away from me. When really I think its me stepping away. Because Ive gotten extremly close and comfortable with someone. And then certain aspects of my life are revealed. And I feel like it changes things. And Im afraid to lose someone Im so close with, so why not push them away before then can do the pushing. How on earth does that make sense? I have so much built up right now. And I tried to talk about it...but I didnt know what to say, and I think I came off kind of pushy or something. I also dont know how to say much of this outloud without breaking down.

this also brings me to another irrelevant aspect of things. Darn Psychology classes.
Family life should be private unless revealed in time if you want it to be. In my case, it seems the world knows more than me sometimes, ormore than Id like people to know. And Im always afraid to let people know things because Im afarid they will think of me diffrent, lower if you will. As I know aplly this to guys. I feel like I could never have a guy love me because of this. Because it comes to a point of knowing more than one should. I feel like once the family issues pour out, whatever was thought of me before has changed. I just have trouble seeing any guy wanting to deal with that. Mainly because its truth in a way so far.

What am I even saying? Im thinking too much. Im sort of feeling way down. Its just one of those things I think when I need to just cry, sob even, on someones shoulder. But Im not feeling like anyones shoulder is free.

this is not true. I know this. But I cant figure it out. This will pass. I just need a night of good fun. Or two. I know in a way this is God showing me something bigger that I need to see or do. Im having trouble with it. I just dont want to lose my friends over things that are mostly out of my control.

I Just Want To Have Fun!!

I need new friends. Seriously. Friends that arent 50 at heart.

Im 20 years old. All of my friends (the few I have, and the few aquaintances even) are in their 20's, or not yet even 20, and I love them, but my goodness its unbelievable how old they act! I cant stand it half the time. I hate feeling like Im an old woman. Im 20...I should be out having fun for the love of God. It seems that doesnt ever happen anymore. I cant think of the last time Ive had a really good time around here. It gets under my skin. Im an active person. I cannot be content coasting through my life on my couch watching movies forever! I cannot do that.

I understand money issues...but seriously...$4 for bowling is not a big deal. Even once in a while. You think I have money to spend? No...but I do because life needs a little excitment once in a while, or often as possible I think. My life is dull. I crave some sort of adventure. I thinking Im going to go nuts one day very soon. Seriously. All I ever do is watch movies. Or I sit at home and be bored. or go sit at someone elses house and be bored or watch movies or both! Way to put things in a new enviorment, ha.

I want to go out and actually do stuff. Going out and doing something nowadays is going out to eat at a restraunt. Or maybe going to the mall to walk around aimlessly for the 10th time in a week. I want to go out dancing. I want to go to clubs. I want to go bowling, play put put golf, ride go-karts, go to festivals or carnivals, go to local events, and even not so local events. I need friends who can share that with me. I need people who dont question gas or time or even a motive for wanting to go to a mall not local. Who cares! Go to a mall thats a little more far away, throw some variety into life! I want to go to Canada and maybe have a drink, one drink, and go to the casino, and not feel like one of my best friends will think less of me for it because he believes both drinking and gambling are sins. I want spontaneous friends who dont questions every aspect of what ideas are thrown out, they just say ok and hope in and hold on. I like going to walk in the park, play at the park even. Roll down a grassy hill, get my face painted, go to pumpkin patches, dress up for halloween, or go try on goofy halloween costumes. I seem alone in all of that, and it seems if someone accompanies me on on of my brilliant ideas to kill time and maybe have fun, they act like they are drug along and just refuse to get into it. For fear or looking stupid or feeling stupid, or because their inner child really is dead.

I dont even know what to do with two of my best friends anymore. Yeah, we can have fun being idiots. But they act so old. Or think things I think would be fun are sins. Or just stupid. I never hear them coming up with ideas!!! Why does it always have to be me. Like tonight..I was quiet...because I was brewing on this stuff, and off Josh's comments to me. Ok...I have more guys friends for sure. I dont have a problem 'hanging with the boys.' But you know, once in a while it would be nice if they treated me and talked to me as me. Im a girl dammit. I dont always find farts and poop amusing. I dont like hearing about stupid sports all the time, I dont care about what wrestler is gonna fight the other or is in a commercial. I have a name that seems to have been lost somewhere as well. Sure, I go along with the whole "Decker" thing, its funny usually. But sometimes it would be nice to hear Kat or Katrina. Moreso than Decker. Decker should be used in rareity as my real name seems to be. Have they forgotten Im a girl? I guess so. Because even in serious times I dont seem to have a real name. It gets to me sometimes. Their joking ways get to me sometimes. Sometimes they say things and I swallow it down, but it doesnt settle right. And Im not going to say anything because then I will just 'be over-reacting' or be a bitch or jerk. Or something has gotten into me. Like tonight...I refused to be a part of any planning. Why should I always have to suggest things. They never want to do anything I ever say because its stupid, involves moving, or cost 'way too much money'. So why bother wasting my precious breath!?! So instead they have to poke fun at me by mocking my mood or apperantly talking like they are super depressed, even though I was not at all. So then really tick me off, smart move. But guys are stupid. I try to look past that. As caroll had said once...sometimes you have to look past, you almost have to. Its just part of who they are.

So true. I need more female friends. To go shopping with, or to talk about boys with. I have no problem talking to Josh or even Jon usually about guys. But you know, sometimes they dont get it. And not that I always like shopping with people. Ive grown fond of shopping alone. I can take my time and dont have to hear anyone bitch about how long it takes me to try on 2 pairs of jeans. Sorry if I really have to be sure if I like something before I buy it. Thats why I have few girl friends. Girls, lets face it. We are stubborn, jealous, bitchy creatures. Its true...Im not denying that. Ecspecially when around other girls it seems to bring it out more. I avoid that if I can.

I feel like my life is just wasting away movie after movie. By the time Im 24 I should have seen every movie ever made, or just about. This sucks. It makes me realize why sometimes I still really miss Justin. Not because of him, but because when he wasnt an idiot, he was fun. He was always up for anything, anytime. And I loved that. And miss it so much. Anna too. But Justin thinks hes too cool for school and well, anna is pregnant and married. And I dont have, or never really had anyone else in my life that was ready for anything anytime anywhere. And it sucks.

It makes me want to leave again. I want out of here. I want to move back to Vegas. I want to be in the city that never sleeps. I want to always have 10 or more options for every hour of the day and night. I want to hang with my few friends who will be spontaneous. And go walk to Strip at 2am. Gosh, I miss being young. And Im 20 saying that. But for real. Something has to change soon. I need to meet new people. Because Im going to lose it soon. Im going to end up telling this rant to a few people one day when I burst, and it might hurt some people, it might even make less of friends with people. I dont want that.

I Just Want To Have Fun!!