I seem to be having some sort of internal war with myself as of late but dont know why!! Things have been falling into place. And then once they seem all right..they start falling out of place, or in the wrong place again. Maybe Im just stress with the whole school thing. Im basically two weeks behind in all my classes. I cant afford books or any other school supplies I still need. My scholarship hasnt posted so until it does Im screwed. Hoping tomorrow I can borrow books and scan them. Ive been really worried about that. I was so pumped and organized and ready to learn and do school work and write papers and ready to hate having write papers. And now Im falling behind. Maybe it really wasnt the right time yet. Maybe I was rushing things. I feel right with my job though. God made that very clear to me. After praying for an answer to quit Gelatos or not, and just stay with Borders...the next morning, very next morning...Gelatos closes its doors for good. That was a sign if there ever was. But not its school Im not sure about. I havent been to English in a week. I dont want to feel like an idiot because Im bookless. I dont know.

I feel like time is an issue now. Like I sleep in too long, work too much, school. Late nights seems to be the only way to see my friends now, and thats cutting into my sleep, making me feel crudy, making me late for work and school. All this week I have not been on time for anything. I was late for class today. Late for English thursday then just didnt go. Late for work my first two days! I havent been motivated to get up and do things. I have this inner lazyness that Im having trouble mastering. I was thinking maybe it has to do with my sleep schedule. So Ive taken it easy. Sunday I lazed around most of the day. Today after work after school...I just stayed in. Showered, ate, relaxed. Or tried and failed. My body needs sleep maybe.

One minute Im fine the next minute I hear something or think about a certain thing and Im thrown into this nasty mood. Like now. All because my mom asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. Now im in a super pissy mood. Its too much trouble. I work...cant request off like at gelatos. I feel like Im burdening everyone because they are all trying to make this nmot such a suprise supprise party work. And now i feel crappy for acting like this because i know everyone is trying to really make my birthday nice. All the big number bdays have been dull or complete disasters. This probably wont be much diffrent. I was all excited about it. Now I dont care. Its another day....oh well. I have school on my birthday. I will probably have to work too. Its not a big deal. I dont want it to be. but whatever.

Im having issues with friends. Nothing Im calling anyone out on. Just things Ive noticed about people, or that have been occuring, or how Ive been feeling. I dont like it. Something isnt right somewhere. With everyone. I feel it and cant figure it out. Like theres something missing, or some slight but noticable tension. Some people Im missing, some people I havent talked to because I feel like I dont have much to say. Not because I dont want to..just because I dont feel like it. Like for instance...I just saw someone last night. And for so weird reason right now...Im missing this person terribly like I havent seen them in forever. Maybe because theres something else there...a worry you could say. Its like I can feel something is wrong. I cant figure out what though. Maybe Im the only one feeling this. Maybe Im only suppose to. Because maybe its Gods way of showing me I need to reach out more, and that Im suppose to help fix things with my friends...things they might not know how to fix alone, or where to start. Thats how part of me feels...like Im suppose to be helping people right now. Certain subjects have made me get all teary and want to cry. School..friend issues...and this whole helping people. I think because these are some big issues Im having.

I also think Im getting sick. Just wonderful as if I need to worry about that. And I think my mental self is anti-peace. One minute Im wonderful, the next Im super depressed or amiss of something. Yet theres something...maybe two or three or more something I cant seem to pin point thats still stuck in that head of mine. Something else thats causing me to be like this right now. Ive been pouring over things..finding things...but its not the root. Root...that just made me tear up. Maybe the root is just everything as a whole. Maybe I just need to break down and just cry until I cant cry anymore. Yeah..wait...I think that is it. I think I need to have a good cry about everything that is right and wrong right now. I trust God and I know this will pass. Im just praying I can figure whatever out with His help.

Its kind of like I want to drive somewhere remote, in a big open field at night under the stars and just yell. angry yell, happy yell...yell and cry and have a big fit. And have a quiet moment with God after that. And think. And then I will be ok I think.

I hate these friggen moods. Bit ranting helped alittle.