And on the way Home, This car hears my Confessions

Marching to His Own Beat

2010-05-23T15:54:00.000-07:00

So...drove by a bit ago. He was working on his crotch rocket motor bike in his front yard. He had his hair (long hair) in pigtails..braided, and was wearing a Burger King Crown on his head.

As I drove back by on my way home, he was on his porch. Same hair, same crown, but now he was waving around a small American Flag. You know, like the ones they hand out at parades. And he was marching, in place.

I forgot to mention he had a giant tube of fireworks propping open his front door not long ago. I can only imagine what he will be doing on Memorial Day!

Updates!

2010-05-23T15:26:00.001-07:00

Well it has been a while hasn't it? Sorry...life has been busy! But do not fear...I come with a few new updates and stories. Not many though. You see..the road I go to to pass CM is under some construction, and so I have to go the opposite way..I do not get to see him too often now.

So..lets begin! Lets start with the hair! His hair is back! Just a day or so after my last post..Driving by and I am telling my fiance about his hair..as I go to point his new 'do out, I was shocked to see his hair had grown back in a matter of a few days!! This now poses the question..does he wear a wig? Or is there another CM!! either way.. way to weird.

About two weeks ago, he had a buddy or neighbor person over, and they were in his front yard talking. I'm pretty sure he had a sheet tied around his head. Yes, that's right, a sheet. It was tied like a bandanna, was white, and hung all the way down to the ground on each side.

Last week the fiance decided it would be OK to take a walk, and walk past his house since he was outside tooling around and what not. So we walked by on the opposite side of the street and as we pass he was shouting...something. Just random blobs of speech I do think.

My not postcard to Postsecret

2007-01-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

I think this has grown into something bigger.

---------------------------------------------------------

In the time I layed my finger on the dash button, I said it.

There.

Thats all.

You dont know it.

Even if its something worth being said...
one day.

Just not to you.

Life at the Calendar Kiosk

2006-12-14T16:34:00.000-08:00

Things I dislike About Working at a Calendar Kiosk:

-When people ask for a certain thing you dont know of (ex:an artist) and then they look at you like you have two heads.
-Repetative loud TV add
-Screaming brats
- People who pull calendars out and leave them all over
-storage room
-Standing/Stool
-Getting stuck alone long periods of time with no break
-Duh! kind of customers
-cranky old people
- People that wont let me explain things
- Having to hold in "nature"
-"How much is this?" when there is a uge Sale sticker on the front
-Falling hazards
-Must wear kahkis or dress pants
-"Hiw how are you today?" response: blank stare.
- We are not the Information Booth. Thanks.

Things to to When Bored at the Kiosk
-copy Suduko charts off box calendars
- Read/play Fact or Crap
-Count Mullets
-Make chinese finger traps out of pkatic penny roll wrappers
-Talk to T-Mobile peeps
-make oragami out of post-it notes (with the help of the oragami box calendars)
-Paper Airplanes (with the help of airplanes making calendar box)
-Fling rubber bands at friends
-Coin toss at the fountain

My Star

2006-12-09T22:16:00.000-08:00

A million stars in the sky to wish on, and you still run out by nights end.

Always one star that shines brighter than the rest. Your eyes wander back to it constantly. Its brillant and bright and you wish upon it only. Only wish. just wish. Its seemingly perfect.

Now the other stars begin to fade in the glow of the star that has you mezmorized.

But dont let the rest of the night sky fade. Be content with what is. Be calmed knowing it will always be there. Be happy to have a star so amazing in your sky.

Whats got you so captivated?

This one is diffrent. This one is genuine. This one is better than you ever could have imagined.

Theres a time for everything.

secret?

2006-12-06T22:34:00.000-08:00

I think I have a secret thats not so secret because Im not sure if what I think is secret is really real or not, but would be a secret in some aspect but not all because the deep roots of it would be unknown, yet the surface or what lead to it isnt.

If I do in fact figure out for sure, then what might be a secret will be a secret indeed.

I dont like this.

Weak points

2006-11-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

So I havent had the need to really write one of these as of late. But now is as good a time as any.

I think Im pushing people away. Lets start with the going ons of how and why.

Life has been messy. Some things have been going on the throw a wrench in the gears if you will. I feel as though no aspect of my life is private. Except for what Im keeping locked in my head. And maybe thats not the best idea, but its the only way I can have a spare private thought or emotion. I feel like tables are turning and my side of the story of things is not accountable. People outside looking in only see one room, but cant see the rest of the house, nor does that seem important. I also feel as though many a secret has been arising. Although half the time its of things I already know. I know more than anyone thinks. I choice to play it off. Part of that whole longing for privacy. I think people have been getting false ideas of me. And in turn Ive taken the last 3 days to my couch, watching tv, wanting to go out with people but finding it hard to feel lively. Ive been trying to do some self-reconstruction and evaluations. Changing things good and bad.

I finally came back to a point of peace. I finally had people to turn to. I finally had someone to confide in again. And it didnt last long. Im sort of losing touch with people, even though I see them all the time. Im finding it hard to talk to or trust people right now. I hope no one would take offence to that. But I hear so many stories. Some of which I cant help but laugh at. Some which cut deeper than expected. I dont expect anyone to understand my life. No matter how much explainging or first hand expierience. No one will ever know what its like unless they were me. Ive felt like crap the past few days. I feel like I get those looks from my friends, the look of examanation. Like they dont really know who they see. And so with all of this, I feel like im alienated. And now ive started pushing people away. I dont know who to talk to anymore because I feel like judgement is being passed. Ive found it hard to even talk to my best friend, and in turn, now feel like hes starting to look at me diffrently. But I dont know how to make him understand. I dont know how to let him understand without looking vulnerable, and without pushing him away. I sort of feel like the only person I had left is starting to step away from me. When really I think its me stepping away. Because Ive gotten extremly close and comfortable with someone. And then certain aspects of my life are revealed. And I feel like it changes things. And Im afraid to lose someone Im so close with, so why not push them away before then can do the pushing. How on earth does that make sense? I have so much built up right now. And I tried to talk about it...but I didnt know what to say, and I think I came off kind of pushy or something. I also dont know how to say much of this outloud without breaking down.

this also brings me to another irrelevant aspect of things. Darn Psychology classes.
Family life should be private unless revealed in time if you want it to be. In my case, it seems the world knows more than me sometimes, ormore than Id like people to know. And Im always afraid to let people know things because Im afarid they will think of me diffrent, lower if you will. As I know aplly this to guys. I feel like I could never have a guy love me because of this. Because it comes to a point of knowing more than one should. I feel like once the family issues pour out, whatever was thought of me before has changed. I just have trouble seeing any guy wanting to deal with that. Mainly because its truth in a way so far.

What am I even saying? Im thinking too much. Im sort of feeling way down. Its just one of those things I think when I need to just cry, sob even, on someones shoulder. But Im not feeling like anyones shoulder is free.

this is not true. I know this. But I cant figure it out. This will pass. I just need a night of good fun. Or two. I know in a way this is God showing me something bigger that I need to see or do. Im having trouble with it. I just dont want to lose my friends over things that are mostly out of my control.

I Just Want To Have Fun!!

2006-10-05T19:07:00.000-07:00

I need new friends. Seriously. Friends that arent 50 at heart.

Im 20 years old. All of my friends (the few I have, and the few aquaintances even) are in their 20's, or not yet even 20, and I love them, but my goodness its unbelievable how old they act! I cant stand it half the time. I hate feeling like Im an old woman. Im 20...I should be out having fun for the love of God. It seems that doesnt ever happen anymore. I cant think of the last time Ive had a really good time around here. It gets under my skin. Im an active person. I cannot be content coasting through my life on my couch watching movies forever! I cannot do that.

I understand money issues...but seriously...$4 for bowling is not a big deal. Even once in a while. You think I have money to spend? No...but I do because life needs a little excitment once in a while, or often as possible I think. My life is dull. I crave some sort of adventure. I thinking Im going to go nuts one day very soon. Seriously. All I ever do is watch movies. Or I sit at home and be bored. or go sit at someone elses house and be bored or watch movies or both! Way to put things in a new enviorment, ha.

I want to go out and actually do stuff. Going out and doing something nowadays is going out to eat at a restraunt. Or maybe going to the mall to walk around aimlessly for the 10th time in a week. I want to go out dancing. I want to go to clubs. I want to go bowling, play put put golf, ride go-karts, go to festivals or carnivals, go to local events, and even not so local events. I need friends who can share that with me. I need people who dont question gas or time or even a motive for wanting to go to a mall not local. Who cares! Go to a mall thats a little more far away, throw some variety into life! I want to go to Canada and maybe have a drink, one drink, and go to the casino, and not feel like one of my best friends will think less of me for it because he believes both drinking and gambling are sins. I want spontaneous friends who dont questions every aspect of what ideas are thrown out, they just say ok and hope in and hold on. I like going to walk in the park, play at the park even. Roll down a grassy hill, get my face painted, go to pumpkin patches, dress up for halloween, or go try on goofy halloween costumes. I seem alone in all of that, and it seems if someone accompanies me on on of my brilliant ideas to kill time and maybe have fun, they act like they are drug along and just refuse to get into it. For fear or looking stupid or feeling stupid, or because their inner child really is dead.

I dont even know what to do with two of my best friends anymore. Yeah, we can have fun being idiots. But they act so old. Or think things I think would be fun are sins. Or just stupid. I never hear them coming up with ideas!!! Why does it always have to be me. Like tonight..I was quiet...because I was brewing on this stuff, and off Josh's comments to me. Ok...I have more guys friends for sure. I dont have a problem 'hanging with the boys.' But you know, once in a while it would be nice if they treated me and talked to me as me. Im a girl dammit. I dont always find farts and poop amusing. I dont like hearing about stupid sports all the time, I dont care about what wrestler is gonna fight the other or is in a commercial. I have a name that seems to have been lost somewhere as well. Sure, I go along with the whole "Decker" thing, its funny usually. But sometimes it would be nice to hear Kat or Katrina. Moreso than Decker. Decker should be used in rareity as my real name seems to be. Have they forgotten Im a girl? I guess so. Because even in serious times I dont seem to have a real name. It gets to me sometimes. Their joking ways get to me sometimes. Sometimes they say things and I swallow it down, but it doesnt settle right. And Im not going to say anything because then I will just 'be over-reacting' or be a bitch or jerk. Or something has gotten into me. Like tonight...I refused to be a part of any planning. Why should I always have to suggest things. They never want to do anything I ever say because its stupid, involves moving, or cost 'way too much money'. So why bother wasting my precious breath!?! So instead they have to poke fun at me by mocking my mood or apperantly talking like they are super depressed, even though I was not at all. So then really tick me off, smart move. But guys are stupid. I try to look past that. As caroll had said once...sometimes you have to look past, you almost have to. Its just part of who they are.

So true. I need more female friends. To go shopping with, or to talk about boys with. I have no problem talking to Josh or even Jon usually about guys. But you know, sometimes they dont get it. And not that I always like shopping with people. Ive grown fond of shopping alone. I can take my time and dont have to hear anyone bitch about how long it takes me to try on 2 pairs of jeans. Sorry if I really have to be sure if I like something before I buy it. Thats why I have few girl friends. Girls, lets face it. We are stubborn, jealous, bitchy creatures. Its true...Im not denying that. Ecspecially when around other girls it seems to bring it out more. I avoid that if I can.

I feel like my life is just wasting away movie after movie. By the time Im 24 I should have seen every movie ever made, or just about. This sucks. It makes me realize why sometimes I still really miss Justin. Not because of him, but because when he wasnt an idiot, he was fun. He was always up for anything, anytime. And I loved that. And miss it so much. Anna too. But Justin thinks hes too cool for school and well, anna is pregnant and married. And I dont have, or never really had anyone else in my life that was ready for anything anytime anywhere. And it sucks.

It makes me want to leave again. I want out of here. I want to move back to Vegas. I want to be in the city that never sleeps. I want to always have 10 or more options for every hour of the day and night. I want to hang with my few friends who will be spontaneous. And go walk to Strip at 2am. Gosh, I miss being young. And Im 20 saying that. But for real. Something has to change soon. I need to meet new people. Because Im going to lose it soon. Im going to end up telling this rant to a few people one day when I burst, and it might hurt some people, it might even make less of friends with people. I dont want that.

I Just Want To Have Fun!!

2006-09-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

I seem to be having some sort of internal war with myself as of late but dont know why!! Things have been falling into place. And then once they seem all right..they start falling out of place, or in the wrong place again. Maybe Im just stress with the whole school thing. Im basically two weeks behind in all my classes. I cant afford books or any other school supplies I still need. My scholarship hasnt posted so until it does Im screwed. Hoping tomorrow I can borrow books and scan them. Ive been really worried about that. I was so pumped and organized and ready to learn and do school work and write papers and ready to hate having write papers. And now Im falling behind. Maybe it really wasnt the right time yet. Maybe I was rushing things. I feel right with my job though. God made that very clear to me. After praying for an answer to quit Gelatos or not, and just stay with Borders...the next morning, very next morning...Gelatos closes its doors for good. That was a sign if there ever was. But not its school Im not sure about. I havent been to English in a week. I dont want to feel like an idiot because Im bookless. I dont know.

I feel like time is an issue now. Like I sleep in too long, work too much, school. Late nights seems to be the only way to see my friends now, and thats cutting into my sleep, making me feel crudy, making me late for work and school. All this week I have not been on time for anything. I was late for class today. Late for English thursday then just didnt go. Late for work my first two days! I havent been motivated to get up and do things. I have this inner lazyness that Im having trouble mastering. I was thinking maybe it has to do with my sleep schedule. So Ive taken it easy. Sunday I lazed around most of the day. Today after work after school...I just stayed in. Showered, ate, relaxed. Or tried and failed. My body needs sleep maybe.

One minute Im fine the next minute I hear something or think about a certain thing and Im thrown into this nasty mood. Like now. All because my mom asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. Now im in a super pissy mood. Its too much trouble. I work...cant request off like at gelatos. I feel like Im burdening everyone because they are all trying to make this nmot such a suprise supprise party work. And now i feel crappy for acting like this because i know everyone is trying to really make my birthday nice. All the big number bdays have been dull or complete disasters. This probably wont be much diffrent. I was all excited about it. Now I dont care. Its another day....oh well. I have school on my birthday. I will probably have to work too. Its not a big deal. I dont want it to be. but whatever.

Im having issues with friends. Nothing Im calling anyone out on. Just things Ive noticed about people, or that have been occuring, or how Ive been feeling. I dont like it. Something isnt right somewhere. With everyone. I feel it and cant figure it out. Like theres something missing, or some slight but noticable tension. Some people Im missing, some people I havent talked to because I feel like I dont have much to say. Not because I dont want to..just because I dont feel like it. Like for instance...I just saw someone last night. And for so weird reason right now...Im missing this person terribly like I havent seen them in forever. Maybe because theres something else there...a worry you could say. Its like I can feel something is wrong. I cant figure out what though. Maybe Im the only one feeling this. Maybe Im only suppose to. Because maybe its Gods way of showing me I need to reach out more, and that Im suppose to help fix things with my friends...things they might not know how to fix alone, or where to start. Thats how part of me feels...like Im suppose to be helping people right now. Certain subjects have made me get all teary and want to cry. School..friend issues...and this whole helping people. I think because these are some big issues Im having.

I also think Im getting sick. Just wonderful as if I need to worry about that. And I think my mental self is anti-peace. One minute Im wonderful, the next Im super depressed or amiss of something. Yet theres something...maybe two or three or more something I cant seem to pin point thats still stuck in that head of mine. Something else thats causing me to be like this right now. Ive been pouring over things..finding things...but its not the root. Root...that just made me tear up. Maybe the root is just everything as a whole. Maybe I just need to break down and just cry until I cant cry anymore. Yeah..wait...I think that is it. I think I need to have a good cry about everything that is right and wrong right now. I trust God and I know this will pass. Im just praying I can figure whatever out with His help.

Its kind of like I want to drive somewhere remote, in a big open field at night under the stars and just yell. angry yell, happy yell...yell and cry and have a big fit. And have a quiet moment with God after that. And think. And then I will be ok I think.

I hate these friggen moods. Bit ranting helped alittle.

i like him

2006-08-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

this is getting harder. yet easier at times. Sometimes i see the situation as it is. And am totally fine. But then, many times...its hard. Its always hard to keep feelings inside. Here its difficult. When theres just times, such simple times but yet I get lost in them. laying on the floor oppisite of eachother, head to head , sharing an earplug set, one earplug to us each...rockin out to music, singing as loud as we can. Wonderfull. Our talks. The many smiles.

I like him. I like him a lot. Make it stop.

Its in Gods hands. If its ever meant to be more than what it is, than it will unfold in due time.

Quotes and junk.

2006-08-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Im in one of those moods. Two people on my mind and I cant shake them. And im kinda depressed. So...this will just be quotes and maybe some icons that are just..well...how im feeling right now. and lots of times i guess. these are for the people that will never see.

--to you..--

"the worst feeling isn't being lonely, its being forgotten by someone you could never forget"

"Love Rule #1: you can never be "just friends" with someone that you`re in love with"

"like my favorite record. you're a little overplayed and like my favorite summer, you'll never fade away"

"all I can think of is that night when I would have given up the world for you and that same night I watched you walk away."

"today was just one of those dayswhere everything i did reminded me of you.every song i heard some how related to you.i hate days like today because they remind me of the one thing i don't have."

"Even if we never speak again, remember:I am forever changed by who you are, and what you meant to me"

"I'm sorry" won't cut it for the rest of your life. Get over yourself and say goodbye. I hope you realize you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you. Forget my name and forget my face, hope you get on a plane and forget this place...so I never have to deal with you again"

"I guess I could call you and see how you're doing.But I don't really have much to say. I just sit allalone, stare at the phone, and hope you're doing okay."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---..and You---

"My heart skipped a beat when you smiled at me today. And suddenly I realized I now see you as little bit more than just a friend. "

"There you stand with your dumb perfect smile & you're laughing my favorite damn laugh."

"just when you feel like being alone is great,someone comes along & changes it."

"you know that boy a girl can't get out of her head? the one that seems to relate to everything she does. the one she mentions all the time. the one whose name is mentioned and her face lights up? yeah, that's you."

"If I had a star for everytime you made me smile, I'd have a whole night's sky in the palm of my hands."

"you can come over, we can watcha scary movie and take stupid pictures, sing the songs we love out loud, sit on the roof under the star and talk all night, and laugh till it hurts. You should know by now I love those nights with you"

"and the way you talk about her, well, I know the feeling exactly. Its the same way I talk to all my other friends about you."

"The Awakening"

2006-07-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

I did not write this. I had taken this from the blog of a friend of a friend. He in turn had copied from someone in some sort of group board post. I thought it was amazing and wonderfully written. Its one of those things that I want everyone to read. And so Im putting it anywhere I know people read things. So read it, soak it in, think about, live it, and enjoy.

"The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change ... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there isn't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). You learn that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new-found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love.

How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want ... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.

You learn that your body really is your temple; you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirect-ed or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility -- for yourself, by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself, and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Then, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

acting out love

2006-07-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Im in Grand Haven right now visiting Mel. Ive been and basically will be on my own while Im here. Its not so bad. I came out here looking forward to the time alone in a new place. To go explore, think, meet new people. Ive dont all that now. Ive done alot of thinking. ANd also, reading Blue Like Jazz, which is good so far. Some great lines and points in it as well.

I guess I realized that you cant get rid of your problems by packing up and leaving. They will be there still when you get home. But it does give you time to think. Think rationally. And think things through. Thats what Ive been doing. Thinking about so many things. Coming to ends with some unresolved things. God is starting show me things I didnt see before, or at least that I may not have wanted to see before. I might not all be good, but I need to see it. Its being shown to me for a purpose. I need to take it in.

Alot has to do with love. I know now, you cant truly love anyone until youcan love yourself. You have to love who you are first. Which can explain some things about some people in my life. It breaks my heart to think people really are incapable of being able to love. Instead pushing love away. Or acting it all out. Or thinking they dont deserve it because they cant see they really do deserve it. They cant see their self worth. Doing things to provoke selfe-hate.

"...and could feel the concrete between their heart. He had secrets. She tries to love him, but he knows he doesnt deserve it. He cannot accept her affection because she is loving a man who doesnt exist. He plays a role. He says he is an actor in his own home."

And thus, the love which was never real falls apart. Because it was never real. You cant love someone when that person is an actor. You never know the real person, and thus you are loving someone who isnt real, making that love unreal as well.

Which, in turn, depresses me a bit. When you think you have love and then later realize such things as I now have, it makes you a little sad. But it gives hope to. Hope that love could be closer than you think....

more to come at a later date.

"

2006-07-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

Myspace is a funny things. At least to me. Goverment, Religion and Myspace are the 3 things in this world that can and will start wars, lol.

But no...its just funny because some people can get so offended by a top 8 or something. Not that I do at all..whatever. Its just one big thing. Another thing, I guess, is friendship status. Because lets face it...you have all your good friends on there. Its like..a way to know about their l ives, say hi, email easier. So when you get totally deleted from their friends list, its a pretty good sign that friendship just died. Hey..sometimes its just easier to take the hint than actually face someone I guess.

Maybe thats because its the lame way out. What Im getting at here is this: I noticed I had one less friend today when I logged in, so I took a look. The missing person happened to be Justin. At first I was like....wow, lame. Then I kinda laughed. I guess we are offically done..like..for good..not even an aquaintanceship anymore. He took the lame way out there. He never could straight up tell me what was the problem. I hated that so much. I had been making efforts to call him and try to hang out..not many times..but you know...a few times in the past 3 weeks. Since he said he really missed hanging out with me and we really should hang ot outside or karaoke again. I then sent him a message the other night. I tried calling him. And I said "well..Ive tried calling you a few times. Phones work two ways. Theres my effort...I guess you never will put forth yours. Some things dont change. So I guess we arent hanging out? Hey, your call. But I ive up on you."

I guess that ticked himoff and he decided that was that. In a way...Im glad. I was asking God for it. I wanted to know if there was any purpose to even trying to stay in contact with Justin. And if not, then I just wanted to be done with him for good. I wanted a quick and painless ending. And I guess I got it. And thus, God has showed me Justin was brought into my life to teach me many a thing, and once I finally got it all, got everything I was meant to learn, he didnt need to be in myl ife anymore. Because after a while, all he did was bring me down, and God knew that was enough, and I think He saw that in fact, it all finally clicked, and answered me. So Justin is no longer in the picture. It doesnt mean I still wont think of him time and again. Or possibly still see him at karaoke. I dont plan on saying a thing to him. As if we didnt know eachother. Thats how it will be. And Im finally ok with that. I had a short freak out the other night over him. I missed him terribly and felt like runing back to him if you will. And I had a talk with God and He showed me thats not what needs to be done. Not to mention...we will both be at the wedding soon. Id like to say a thing or two to him still. But really what would be the point of it? We are already through with eachother. Its weird to think that basically we just..dont know eachother anymore. At one point, we were best friends, and could never see that being otherwise. But boy time changes things. Through seeing other people with the same problems, through having many a talks with Josh and him helping me see so many things i never saw, or wanted to see before, and through God..I think I can finally close the Justin chapter in my life. It might stay open just a bit longer. For discussion. Or I might just take a peek at or after the wedding. Then Im done. I dont need someone in my life who brings me down. Forget that.

He wasnt the one for me. He wasnt even a good friend. I knew from the first day we meet...which happened to be at Element...I knew from the first words spoken that God brought him in my life for a reason. For so long..before things started getting rocky..I thought he was suppose to be someone I was suppose to be with. In every way. Two weeks before we meet, I just prayed to God to bring a guy in my life that was this and that and had this quality, and even liked the rain, ha. Then two weeks later I met Justin, at youth group for God. I always thought that meant something more than it might have. That brings me to a quote in Mels blog it basically says, you need to ask the right questions to find the real answers you seek. And I guess I wasnt asking God what I really wanted, what I still really want. A good guy that I can be with, either the one Im suppose to marry, or someone who will impact my life positivly and not bring me down in the end. And I recently thought God again answered me. And he did..but he only answered part of that last request/prayer. Proving once again, you get what you ask for, usally nothing more or less. He hears you and will answer you if its worthy. Maybe even sometimes when its not just to say, Hey, Im God and I can make it happen even though in the end it wont be what you want. THrough that He teaches me. And I praise Him for that.

Other than that...I dont have much more to say. Im just trying to keep busy....slept almost the whole day so far. No one to hang with. And Im super bored. Just felt like updating after readin g the quote in Mels blog.

thanks Mel..for that. It made me think as well

2006-07-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

Im sick of things right now. I just want to leave. I wish I had money. And Gas...Id go away for a while. Who cares if I lost my job....shoot..just say Im gonna be outta town for like 2 weeks on vacation. And be gone for two weeks. And not talk to anyone while Im gone. Except maybe my mom like...once or twice a week. Shut the phone off otherwise. Screw it. And of course talkto who Id be staying with. Which would probably be Melissa. And go to the beach every day and watch the sun set, take up wake-boarding, go out at night on the town, and of course...meet a bunch of new people. And just have a fresh start on life.

Ironically enough Mel just called to talk about the seriousness of all this. And Im actually going up there to look into school, jobs, and apartments the end of this month.

and i feel slightly better. and now..I need no more time here.

and end.

I want to quite life for a litte bit

2006-07-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like running away from the world right now. Its about that time though, for a span of depression. Its been over due anyway. Yeah...just when things in my life seem awesome...smiling and laughing more, people saying how much happier I seem. I start to feel like things are actually ok in my life. And then...what happens..well...everyhting just kinda goes down the crapper. And throws me into one of my ridiculous bouts of depression.
Oh but Im fighting this one. Or Im trying. Its not going so well. Because so far this week..I havent really done anything to have fun. Or hung out with anyone either. I mean, karaoke this week was a friggen blast. I needed that. But it was a few hours. Then right back to this being stuck at home being lame thing. And I hate it. And I keep seeming to find things that just upset me or tick me off more. I should just sleep till this is over. Wake up..if I feel crappy...just go back to sleep. If I work..then fine...I will come home and just go right back to sleep.

So tonight...was looking to have a nice night out to the movies with a few friends I havent hung with much lately. Going to see Pirates of the Carribian 2 at midnight. But of course...I have some awesome friends *sarcasim, ahem*. So they went and got tickets without me. Which..I said, fine I will just go now and get mine. So I go..I get mine. And call them to say I got it. They said theater 2. Well..my ticket said theater 1. And they couldnt change it because 2 was sold out. And wont refund it because..they are just gay. So now Im stuck with this ticket to the midnight premier of one of my fav movie sequels...and I have no one to go with. I mean not a soul. People got to get up early, dont want to, have plans to see it other nights with other people. So I guess Im going to be major LAME and go see it alone.

Im ticked off. I hate when people do this to me. It happens to often. And I just take it because I dont have the heart to say something or object or point out the crappiness of the situation to anyone thats invovled. So instead I go and see movie premiers alone.

I want to run away from life for a while. Things were good. I got close to an amazing group of people, in turn made new best friends. I finally get over Justin for real because an amazing guy came into the picture and just blew Justin right the heck out of my mind. Getting good hours at my job making decent money for once..able to keep up on my bills for the first time in a while. Feeling pretty darn good and happy as heck.

And then. My mom decides to come home. So back to the nonsense of this house. Which automatically brings tons of stress, fights, arguing. Making me never want to be home. Making me want to close parts of myself off to other people again. But no, because I have things going for me and some awesome friends to help me out. Hours start getting cut from work. Might be looking at getting fired or something. Went from 40+ hours a week to at the least, one day a week, maybe two. More parent/house issues arise each day it seems. One of my best friends moves 3 hours away. Most of my other friends just arent the same and just kinda suck now. Amazing guy happens to be great friend- always was bad timing and circumstances. Finally seems like...well...maybe who knows. Amazing guy kinda meets gorgeous girl...not a chance in hell for me anymore. And I mean that. He thinks of her 'where have you been all my life." Funny, I think the same of him. Too bad for me. And some more sucky friends, sucky days, plans getting screwed, no plans at all. Justin happens to waltz back into the picture. Acting like thigns are cool with us. Me trying to blow him off, doing good at it, but still upset, confused, mad, happy to see him mix of thigns goin on.

I dont get it. This is a vicious pattern. Its like...build it up..and then...break it down. Over and over. Good things never stay good. Eventually anything good will fade or fall apart. Things are buitl up to a peak, some longer than others, and once the peak is reached, that goodness fades or falls apart. And youre down. Until more thigns start to look good. But then...we start the cycle again. Thats life I think. Or mine.

I currently would like to do the following things:
scream, go boxing, see this movie with someone, get a hold of any of my friends that are cool so Ic an talk, tell off Justin for good, share some 'thoughts' with an old best friend, tell an amazing boy hes amazing and use his own line of 'where have you been all my life' on him, drive somewhere far with loud music to relax maybe, pack my things and leave, quite life for a little bit, and definetly somewhere in that mix, get some food because Im straving. OH...and maybe have people call me back so I can figure out if Im eating alone too or not.

Well God...this is your call. I dont get it. I dont understand this cycle Im in. I dont understand why it seems You put good things in my life and then take them away in some form or another. I learn alot from it most of the time. But I dont understand the hurt that I have to go through to get the lessons. Why cant it be taught through something good that will last? Maybe Im not meant to know. Only You know that. I just pray You will somehow help me understand all this right now. Because my heart is hurting and my head is confused and I dont know what it is Im suppose to do.

Over one, stuck on another.

2006-07-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into certain situations. I wonder why God gives me such desires for things I know Im never going to have. Maybe its to learn and to grow. Maybe its to test the waters. I know now the whole Justin senario was an amazing learning expeirience in the end. A very long, painful glorious lesson. Ive learned things from him that I now apply to other people. So I dont mess things up again. So I know what to do the next time, and maybe get it right.

Its funny thinking about Justin now. I was talking to Phoebe today about him. How he was over Friday, and I barely said more than5 words to him. I felt bad in a way. But at the same time, I didnt care. I had such a mix of emotions. It seems every time I would get to the next phase of basically letting him go, he just shows up. Like he reads my mind and has to pop back into my life to throw me off and try to keep me around for whatever reason. Im not having it this time. I was hurt and angry yet happy to see him the other night. He gave me a hug and all I could do was sit there. And the first thing I say to him: "What are you doing here." And I meant it. Why did he come anyways...what was the point of it? Whats he trying to do this time is what I thought. And I wanted to say 'What do you think youre doing just showing up here, pretending things are ok between us? Youve got a lot of nerve. How can you just...do that to me?" But I didnt. I wanted to talk to him, I did. But I honestly didnt know what to say. It had been a while, and it just felt so akward. And I know that if we started to talk, I know it would end as a fight of some sort. Because at some point I would have asked him how he does it, just thinks everything is fine. I would have gone on some rampage about him. And we would have fought. And I didnt want that. I done with that. Ive wasted so so sooo much time with that. I deserve better, I know this now. Its not that I dont want to still be friends kind of. Its hard though. I dont know who he is anymore, and Im not who he recalls anymore. Times change and thoughts rearrange. We messed up..maybe it was for the better, maybe thats what was suppose to happen all along. But Im sick of fighting for someone who never put in the effort to even think of fighting for me. I fought for him as a friend and more than a friend...and all he ever did was run away without looking back to see me standing and waiting. And if he ever did...well..lets just say he never turned around and came back.

I thought it would be the hardest thing getting over him. I guess its true in a way...when youve had enough and you just stop looking and caring..someone comes along and just blows you away. And then, it was easy to see so many things I was blind to before when it came to Justin. I met a guy who made me see that..and made me see theres more than Justin out there. And of course..the catch of the matter...I have feelings. Once again..in a sticky situation...having feeligns for a good friend. Why? Why does it seem to go that way? I cant help it. I tried...I told myself...do not do this again. I fought back those feelings with everything I had. But I guess not hard enough..because, oh yeah, there are there and kickin strong. But, Im using what Ive learned in the past this time. Things are diffrent. Hes diffrent. If its meant to happen it will. Though I dont think it will. Not saying that Im not good enough...but hes just too great..too good to be be true sorts. Besides...hes got this major thing for a gorgeous super nice girl, who in return is interested in him. Ive got no shot in heck there. I cant compare to that. Im just me...the friend. Not the gorgeous girl, just...Kat. Maybe if it wasnt mutal. But it is. And odd..but true..Im glad. He really finds her amazing. I can tell. And good for him. And she seems quited attracted. Why shouldnt she though. I mean...look at the kid. Ive never been so blown away by smoeone before. Everything about him is just amazing. From his laugh to his mind, from his humor to his heart. One of those everything you want and cant have types. An instant heartbreaker if there ever was one. Because lets face it..iti was over before it ever began. But Ive learned to ptu friendship way ahead of feelings at least...otherwise, in the past...at this point...I could be doing and saying something that at this point in time could mess up a great friendship and I could be jealous and very negative about this. Im not any of those though. Im not going to say anything or make a move. Theres no point. And theres nothing to go on that would give me a slight hint of a green light in the moves department. Im not jealous that he likes a gorgeous girl in stead of me. Im happy. He desrves that. He deserves to be happy. Im glad hes found someone else hes intersted in. And if he needs advice on how to win her over, you better bet I will be giving it out. Because like I said..if that would make him happy, and I can tell it would...then I would never hesitate to stop that or be negative about it any way. Because a guy like that deserves a girl like that and deserves to be happy. Yeah, it sucks that Ive definetly lost my shot if I ever had one to begin with. But hes a great friend. Hes one of my best friends now. I finally have someone I can talk to again. Hes usually one of, if not, the first person I call to talk to about anything. I had lost both of my best friends, and my confidants. I had lost trust in many people and didnt have that anymore. And maybe thats the reason God said..hey..you two will talk and you will become good friends. Maybe because, at the time..we really needed eachother. And it seems we did...because we were both going through a similar situation..and both realy helped eachother out. So maybe thats it. And we were meant to be good friends after that...and thats simply it. And if that is it..then Im happy and content to be friends with such an amazing person. I would have given anything to be close with someone and have a friend to trust and talk to again. And now I do. And I wouldnt want to lose that again. So I will sit back and leave it in Gods hands. Theres nothing else I can do. I can wish and daydream and wonder. But none of that will change feelings...either way here.

I just hope I meet someone like him. Because like I said before..Ive never been so wowed by a guy before. And I hope someone one day will come along and wow me again.

2006-05-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

this is new.

things are weird right now. So many changes. I feel like Ive lost a lot this past month. I seem to miss people that are right in front of me. I feel like I dont know my friends anymore.

But then again....maybe thats because its time to get to know other people. And hang out with pretty much the coolest kids ever.

But yeah. That and things.

and other things.
...
that needs to stop.

but how.

?